“Strangers,” the Blue Man said, “are just family you have yet to come to know.” – The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom

I thought about this quote, as I finished reading this passage from The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy by Irvin Yalom (2nd Edition).

These final two paragraphs (separated into further paragraphs for easier reading) are about how patients question the reality of group therapy – they claim that their behavior in the group is not like their actual life outside the group, so their activities in the group is not an accurate representation of who they are.

However, in the therapist testimonial below, you’ll see how two people who loathe each other in life, come together and share their existence with each other.

I think what I liked about this passage was the commentary at the end that basically says that despite the limited time one spends in these groups, the psychological development that they experience transcends beyond the physical dimensions of time. Strangers infuse and share amongst each other, forming the closest of bonds.
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… I often think of Earl and Marguerite, two patients in a group long ago. Earl had been a member of a group for four months when Marguerite was introduced. They both blushed to see one another in the group room since, by chance, they had only a month previously gone on a Sierra Club camping trip and been “intimate” together. Neither wanted to be in the group with the other.

To Earl, Marguerite was a foolish, empty girl, a “mindless piece of ass,” as he was to put it later in the group. To Marguerite, Earl was a dull nonentity, someone whose penis she had one used as a means of retaliation against her husband. During that time they came to know one another intimately in the full sense of the word; they shared their deepest feelings, they weathered some fierce, vicious battles, and helped each other through suicidal depressions, and, on more than one occasion, they wept for each other. Which was the “real” world and which was the artificial?

Paradoxically, the group can be far more “real” than the world out there. There are no social, prestige, or sexual games in the group; members go through some vital life experiences together; the reality-distorting facades are doffed as members become as honest as possible with one another. How many times have I heard group members say, “This is the first time I have ever told this to anyone.” These are not strangers but quite the contrary; these are individuals far more likely to know one another deeply and fully. Psychological reality is not equivalent to physical reality. Psychologically, they spend infinitely more time together than the one or two meetings a week in which their physical beings occupy the same professionally sponsored room. – p.38-39

All quotes are from the psychotherapy book, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy, Second Edition by Irvin D. Yalom. Note that there is a 5th edition to my knowledge, but this copy was given to me by my boss.

Altruism

There is an old Hasidic story of the Rabbi who had a conversation with the Lord about Heaven and Hell. “I will show you Hell,” said the Lord and led the Rabbi into a room in the middle of which was a very big, round table. The people sitting at it were famished and desperate. In the middle of the table there was a large pot of stew, enough and more for everyone. The smell of the stew was delicious and made the Rabbi’s mouth water. The people round the table were holding spoons with very long handles. Each one found that it was just possible to reach the pot to take a spoonful of the stew, but because the handle of his spoon was longer than a man’s arm, he could not get the food back into his mouth. The Rabbi saw that their suffering was terrible.

“Now I will show you Heaven,” said the Lord, and they went into another room, exactly the same as the first. There was the same big, round table and the same pot of stew. The people, as before, were equipped with the same long-handled spoons – but here they were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. At first the Rabbi could not understand. “It is simple, but it requires a certain skill,” said the Lord. “You see, they have learned to feed each other.” – p. 12-13
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Warden Duffy is reputed to have claimed that the best way to help a man is to let him help you. People need to feel they are needed.

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This source of help is not appreciated at first. Quite the contrary. Many patients resist the suggestion of group therapy with the question, “How can the blind lead the blind?” Or they ask, “What can I possibly get from others as confused as I?” We’ll end up pulling one another down.” Exploration of this sentiment usually reveals that the patient is really saying, “What do I have to offer anyone?” Such resistance to entering the group is best worked through from the direction of the patient’s critical self-evaluation. – p. 13-14