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The CORRECT Way to Succeed in College

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YAY!

So You Want to Be Successful After College

I felt I had to write this article after seeing countless college graduates/friends have issues finding jobs. It can happen to anyone, liberal arts to engineering (However, I find that liberal art graduates have greater difficulty in finding jobs). This is my personal guide on how to do it right. My article will provide concrete examples from my own experiences, where things go right and wrong.

Number One Mistake To Make

I’ve encountered many college students who have this perception that they automatically get a job after they obtain their degree. Not true. The degree is not a golden ticket to a job. It will help you in certain situations where corporations may require it as a base qualification.

Think of the degree like having a high SAT score. Although it’s not the same at all, but like many people who have high SAT scores, there are many people who also have a degree.

So, when someone looks at a set of resumes, and everyone has a degree, how do they figure out who to hire?

Things You Need To Do In School

Aside from ensuring that you pass your classes and graduate, there are several factors aside from your degree that will determine your marketability – the ability to sell yourself to an employer.

Make Connections

Connections will be your lifeline to finding a job. Getting to know people whether at parties, clubs, or any social gathering is important as you’ll never know who you’ll meet. The more people that know you, your talents, and can vouch for your abilities, the higher your chances of getting connections for jobs.

Joining campus clubs are usually one way to get connections – many of them have liaisons to companies in the field, and I’ve seen many clubs hold events where a representative from such company will visit the club and talk about job opportunities, and accept resumes.

Example

Prior to my years of experience, I used to party often (as hard as it is to believe now); this included nightclubs, social gatherings, mixers (business networking parties), etc. Out of the many parties, there were two specific people I met  that helped pave my path:

- I was having a drink with an software engineer I’ve never met, and we ended up talking about our projects (I’ll talk about projects later), and exchanged information at the end of the night. One month later, without ever having any contact with him, he randomly IMs me asking if I wanted an internship at the company he worked for. I accepted the offer, where I began to expand my software engineering knowledge by working in my first startup.

Being there helped me move on to NASA, where being there helped me get a job at Stanford.

- A female who did not seem like it, but she was heavily into old-skool hip-hop music, and even performed in a hip-hop group. At that time, I had negative preconceptions about hip-hop, and she invited me to watch her group. Accepting the offer, I visited her and her group the following week, and got a great lesson in the history of hip-hop, and the emergent subcultures that branched from it. By the end of the day, I was hooked, and ended up joining the group, learning routines for one full summer until they had to return to Japan (they were all visiting Japanese people).

Because of them, I love to dance, even though I’m horrible at it.

Demonstrate Passion

I once went to a Stanford admissions Q&A as I was interested in transfering to Stanford at the time. The number one response from admissions when it came to the application was, “Show us your passion!”

That phrase is not just applicable to college admission essays, but also to job hunting as well. When I interview prospective employees or read resumes, I look for evidence of passion. Show that you really are into being a marketing major; start writing articles about lead generation for example, or how to use product design to captivate potential customers.

Showing passion usually leads to demonstrating authority and credibility. Passion lets employers know that you have the gusto to do the job, that you really want to do the job, and that you’re not just doing the job just because.

Example

I love teaching as much as I do learning. When I ran the Emotion Lab at Stanford Psychiatry, one of the interns posted a flyer up for Stanford HELP (Health Education for Life Program), where one can teach health and science at a local elementary school. I immediately joined, and found myself teaching an entire classroom of 6th graders. Topics ranged from teaching basic cell biology to sex-ed (I doubt I can ever post my sex-ed stories here).

I think a lot about innovations and creative means to teach, and this sixth grade class was no exception. A notable story would be when it came to teaching the effects of alcohol. Prior to this lesson, I asked my students to bring in a black shirt, and preferably wear black pants if possible.

Meanwhile, I had my friends help me with some papercraft I was working on – paper ninja stars, nunchucks, and bows and arrows made from straw and newspaper – an entire ninja arsenal.

On the day of the lesson, I came in dressed up as a shirt ninja. The kids were beyond stoked that a ninja had appeared in their classroom, rather than the usual Theo. Majority of the kids wore black, and I taught them how to fold their black shirts into a ninja mask to wear. At that point, I had around twenty little ninjas in my class.

“You are now my grasshoppers, and today we are going to talk about alcohol…”, I exclaimed in a makeshift ninja-voice as an opening for my lesson, “Now tell me what can ninjas do!”

I had several responses from my grasshoppers, such as, “Kill things! Run fast! Climb trees!”, and wrote each response on the board.

With all the responses, I now posed a new question, “Can a ninja fulfill their mission when under alcohol?”

(I’ll tell you the answer for this lesson will be , no; however, Drunken Ninjas are an exclusion to this rule.)

The kids remained silent. I had expected that only few would know the actual response, and gave the answer. But what really mattered was why and how.

“We will find out… WITH A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!”, I yelled out, as I took out my arsenal of hand-made paper weapons.

The kids went beyond ballistic after seeing me pull out a paper ninja star and started making grabby-hand motions at the large bag I held.

“Not only will we fight, but we will fight… drunk!”

In my other hand, was a bucket full of drunk goggles – goggles that have lenses that completely distort the wearer’s vision.

I took the kids out to the grassy field, and everyone got their own set of equipment. They were evently spread out, and drunk goggles were placed over each of them. It seemed my squad was ready for bloodshed.

“Okay… NINJA FIGHT!”

Screams and giggles erupted as my ninjas flailed helpelessly about, attempting to attack their victims, and failing horribly, barely making any kind of contact, or none at all. No one was (fortunately) assassinated.

Back in the classroom, I went over what happened on the field, “So what did you learn about being a ninja under alcohol’s influence?”

The majority of responses were around, “You can’t kill things, it was hard to move around, I kept falling… “

I summarized that alcohol can affect one’s judgement, ability to react, and maintain balance – things that a ninja need to succeed in their missions.

Now, my closing statement. I’m not one to tell someone they can’t do something (usually), so I ended it with this note, “In years to come, you might find yourself in a situation where you will be offered alcohol. It’s up to you to determine if you’re going to drink it or not. What I want you to think about when that happens is what happened to you as a ninja today when you were under the influence. And, that’s the lesson, my grasshoppers.”

Realistically, I don’t expect to reach everyone with my lessons, but when class was over, I had five students stop by and tell me that they won’t drink when that time comes. It was a great feeling, and it would not be the first in my future lessons. I know that they might hold true to their word when the situation happens, and I also know that some of them may not.

What mattered was they made a rational choice after being presented the possible consequences.

———

I love teaching. Did you see my passion in my story?

Apply Yourself

Don’t start your credibility and authority after you graduate, start it during your tenure at school. Find ways to apply what you’ve learned in your classes. Demonstrate that you not only know your classroom material, but that you can apply the concepts as well. It’s like having a high IQ. High IQs are great, but will mean nothing if the person who has that IQ does not know how to use it.

Example

One of my projects, Notemine, was formed while I was in university, and was taking my upper-division classes. As I was taking these classes, I was applying concepts like object orientated design I learned in class when I started writing Notemine. The project grew as I learned more material from my classes, and really is a tangible testament to what I have learned. I was like a train engine without an emergency break – I would come home to do my homework, and spend ALL my free time programming Notemine into the early hours of the next day until it was either time for school or work again. The first version of Notemine was built in one month as a result.

It was Notemine that greatly helped with me getting my current and first full-time job as a software engineer.

Keep Up In The Field

This relates to passion in a way. To be an authority or have credibility in the area you want to work in, you need to understand what’s going on in the field. This means keeping up on blogs, reading news, journal articles, etc.

Essentially, be well versed in what you want to be doing.

Example

As someone who’s field is in technology and science, I frequently read sites like Slashdot, Digg, and Engadget. Digg is more of a news aggregator that spans a variety of different areas, so I usually use that site to understand what’s currently hot or how-to guides in tech, design, programming, etc.

Not only that, I do my best to keep up in current events as well. I get my conservative spin from the Drudge Report, and my liberal spin from CNN / Digg. Despite being inherently liberal, I do my best to have both points of view, which is why I see what one political group likes to say about another.

Maintain Grades

You do not need a 4.0 to become successful in life. In many cases, grades will not matter. However, there are cases that do. Keeping your grades at a B-level will be sufficient for most scenarios where grades do matter.

Example

One of my best friends recently graduated in the most difficult field – computer engineering. However, his grades were extremely poor – a 2.0, or barely passing. Where he works now, he makes less than the baseline for that major, and isn’t even doing anything computer engineering related! He’s now back in school, taking even more classes because he can’t get into grad school due to his GPA. He believes doing grad school will take him towards the right track and the right salary.

Make Yourself Known / Establish Authority

How will employers find or know of you if they don’t know you exist? Aside from hitting parties and clubs, there are other things you can do, such as starting a blog and writing about things you experience while learning material in your field, or joining professional places like LinkedIn, establishing a profile, and answer questions in the Q&A section to show that you’re knowledgeable in your field.

Example

- I frequent LinkedIn often, and hit the tech Q&A sections frequently, answering questions that I know the answers to, and also providing evidence or additional authoritative resources to augment my answer if available. If you look at my Q&A section, you can tell I’m well-versed in web development, server configuration/maintenance, database design and management.

- I write in my blog, specifically this one. I write about my passions – chemistry, computer science, genetics, the entire shebang. Do you get a feeling that I actually care about all these things reading my blog? I hope you do.

Get an Internship

Most colleges have a college and career center, where they maintain postings for jobs, ranging from full-time to internships. It is to your benefit that you find an internship that pertains to your field, since it will help you build experience.

What most college grads find is that to get a job, you need experience; getting an internship will help build experience, but even some internships require a base amount of experience to apply. It’s a bad catch-22.

Get ahead of that game by seeing what you want to do really requires, and do your best to find an internship while in school. It seems to be easier to get internships while in school since employers feel that they have to pay significantly cheaper rates since the student lacks a degree.

If you are on financial aid, you most likely have work-study, where you work on campus, and the money from aid is given to you. Most students will end up working in places like the bookstore or cafeteria. Do not do this if you can! If this is the only job you’ll hold in school, be aware that it might be the only thing on your resume when you graduate.

Most professors are doing some sort of research when it comes to a university setting. Ask your professors if they have any research assistant positions available, where you can help them with their research. Not only would you most likely be paid from work-study, but you’ll also get experience.. in your field!

Example

(Long post from one of my old journals)
——

One day in October 2004, while walking through the students records building of Foothill College (I’m a Foothill student), I noticed a NASA/AMES banner calling for yearly internships.

Something clicked inside and said I should do this… for Stanford!

For those curious about the program, the website for it is located here.

“NASA internship positions are available in a wide range of settings that include private industry, and correspond to almost every college major. Student interns work directly with scientists, programmers, accountants, engineers, administrative assistants, web developers and other professionals as they carry out or support research related to Astrobiology, Aviation Operations Systems, Information Technology, Psychology, Life Sciences and Space and Earth Sciences.”

Eventually, I filled in an application and sent a resume; days later, I received a call from NASA/AMES to go for an interview in the middle of November for three positions: web programmer, systems administrator, and technology lab assistant. I’ll go into detail about what each of these jobs are later.

I didn’t know at all about how the interview process worked, so I searched the intern website for more details. An excerpt from Erina Birman who wrote about her experience in “My Internship Experience” caught my eye:

“One of my instructors announced, during class, an opportunity to intern at NASA. Every student seemed interested and everyone was encouraged to apply. When I showed up at the information meeting. I felt that my chances were slim due to the large number of students who were applying. Although I initially felt discouraged, I reassured myself that I would regret it if I were to not try. Of these, only 30 got offered positions.”

Holy crap, only 30 received positions? I wondered what I would be up against. During the week before the interviews, my friends from my honors classes notified me that they are applying for it as well.

Knowing now that I could be up against some pretty high odds, I contacted my best friend Victor Gonzales to assist me in preparing.

“Theo, do you have a cover letter?”

“What’s a cover letter?”

“A suit?”

“Yeah, but it needs to be drycleaned…”

“Business card? Portfolio?”

“No, but I can produce one.”

“Resume?”

“It’s complete, but it needs revising.”

“Do you know what interviewers ask during a job interview? Do you even KNOW what the job you’re applying for entails?”

“No…”

So, at this point, I felt I was pretty unprepared and possibly screwed, but I didn’t give up. Theo never gives up!

And so, I spent most of my entire week at Vic’s house, writing out my cover letter, revising my resume, doing mock interviews with Vic, where he would ask me common questions interviewers ask and I would respond as if it was a real job interview. We spent some time on how to properly shake hands, pre and post interview procedures (like obtaining a business card).

My friends already had their interviews, and gave me a fair warning that the interviewers are TOUGH. One was slammed with a five-person panel for psychology, while the other was denied an interview because she lacked some certain requirements.

Eventually, the final day came, November 17th; Vic let me borrow his shoes and executive leather case to hold my stuff in. My suit was ready to go from the cleaners… I became Great Job Interviewee Theo!

***

All the interviews were at NASA/Ames in Moffett Field, near Mountain View. I had to stop by the Visitor’s Center to grab a visitor’s badge:

The orientation meeting was at 12:15PM; luckily I came early, since the place is really, really, huge – even with GPS (the GPS unsurprisingly lacks the map for NASA), I ended up getting lost as some streets are literal loops.

Eventually, I make it into the orientation room; there’s around thirty people there, and I notice I’m the only one in a suit. Everyone else has casual-but-a-little-more-than-casual clothing. I smirk knowing that Vic has prepared me Well.

(Just a side note, the NASA interviews run all week, so I’m apart of one group, as my friends are apart of another where they have their interviews on separate days.)

***

My first interview was for web programmer. It was supposed to be at 1:45PM, but I made it early by an hour to the Human Factors Research & Technology building (HFRT) to my interviewer.

(I want to note that if you are the first one to be interviewed, come EARLY. Each of my interviews was only 45 mins max. It seems like a long duration, but you’ll soon realize that it might not be enough time. By coming in early, you might have a shot to get your time extended and give yourself a huge shot in getting in because the interviewers will then get to know know the most about you.)

Coming in early was well worth it; I was in a small office room of the Outreach Manager for HFRT. Between me and the female interviewer was a desk. I’ll admit I cannot fathom the specific questions asked to me during the interview, but it all went well as she asked me to show my portfolio.

I believe it was the portfolio that sealed the deal. It had my most recent work and conveyed all aspects of my Information Technology and programming career from the last year. We went through eage page as I explained each program I wrote and the people I worked with.

She was impressed that she called in the current intern (male, so I can refer to him as ‘he’ hereafter) to look at my portfolio as well; they both agreed that I should see the work that they are currently working on. To my amazement, it was the exact same stuff I did at Entetel and for Notre Dame – content management systems. NASA recently adopted a new look for their website and administration has ordered all public websites within NASA to convert to this design.

Along with that, they’re also working on their own content management system as well as some other things. I made my comments and observations about their work and they asked me for places where it might be improved, and I gave my feedback. The intern and I got along very well, as we were avid gamers and talked about PC games and whatnot. He ended up giving me his AIM sn as well as e-mail to keep close contact.

Before I left, I remembered Vic telling me to ALWAYS get the business card of the person who interviewed me so I can send off the final “weapon” – a thank you card. He said that if the other applicants match you in ability, it’s usually the thank you card that puts you on top as it shows you are organized on following up or something like that.

Overall, the interview went great. They basically asked me if I wanted to work for them in the end. I was unsure at first because I don’t know what the other two job positions will ask for.

***

The second interview was around a mile away from the first one; it was only now 2:10PM (that previous interview lasted LONG).

So, I make it there (I can’t remember where “there” was, but it involved Aeronautics) and I’m greeted with a three-person panel. This was for systems administration, and the process was completely formal. It lacked the friendly air of the previous interview at the HFRT.

Sadly to say, they cared more about my degrees (or lack thereof) than my actual work experience. I was asked many questions about my lack of degree and when would I get it, etc. Then, they explained the “systems administration” job, which wasn’t even sysadmin at all, it was just another web programming job, but more undefined. They didn’t know what the heck they wanted, or even want to define what they wanted in their web application. I just know it has to do with a screwed up inventory keeping program that the previous intern screwed up on badly.

It just felt stiff, and completely unfriendly. Out of the door, I determined that this job I would decline if offered, because they only seemed to care about my school credentials as opposed to my actual work experience. In sociology, it’s called “credentialism” – you favor someone more for the school they came from / degree; it’s like saying, “I need a lawyer, get me someone from Stanford!” – just because it’s Stanford, doesn’t mean it’s the best.

***

The final interview was at Foothill, which I soon learned wasn’t a NASA position, but Foothill looking for the “leftovers” to do meager tasks. Again, it was a formal interview, but this time the interviewers read off of an interview sheet. It felt quite structured, and it was exactly like Vic and I practiced during or mock interviews.

Basically, a Technology Lab Assistant is just sitting your ass in a computer lab, watching over people who use the computers all day. Do boring things like help people with software, give e-mail accounts, etc. I know I made that one for sure, but it’s not something I wanted to do.

***

The day was over, and I was exhausted. Throughout the day, I let Vic and Deborah know of my progress with each interview, and I told them that I pretty much got the first and third jobs based on impressions alone.

And, I was right. I did get the job. Days later, NASA/Ames called me informing me that I received the web programmer job and to call my interviewer to formally accept the position. It’s the job position that I went in early for, the interviewer who was kind enough to actually know and understand my work, and the intern that showed me all his cool work, and our internal contacts thereafter through e-mail that most likely gave me the position.

My orientation date for my job is officially December 13, but it’s most likely I will be going in earlier as the previous intern needs to hand off his work to me before he leaves to Europe for another position.

If I do really well at NASA, I have the possibility for a permanent position or a second year of internship.

Welcome, Great NASA Intern Theo!

It’s so amazing. In less than a year, I’ve made it this far.

———–

Have a Backup Plan

Always have a backup plan. I cannot stress this enough. One downside to specializing is that if jobs in that particular field are being cut back, that means your chances for a job are low.

Understand Where the Jobs Are At

I know you want to do art, which is why you’re an art major. However, have you actually thought about if it was difficult to become an artist? What kind of artist do you want to be, what do you think you might do?

Hopefully, you’ve asked these questions while in college, and not after you graduate. Most students are completely unaware of the job market for their field of study, and don’t know about how large the hiring pool is, what kind of hours, or salary one can expect, etc.

Being informed also means knowing what you’ll be getting into. You don’t want a situation where you graduate, do your job, and learn and regret that it’s something you can’t do, don’t have the talent for, lack the connections for, etc.

Doing what you want to do is one thing, but also having the finances and stability to do it is another. Which brings me to another topic…

Diversify

If you’re a liberal arts major, the chances of finding a job will be smaller than someone who has done science (in my experience). If you know that what you want to do will not lead to security (job, finances, etc), then you need to think about a Plan B, and that may mean taking up another major to augment situations where you do need to resort to diverging from your primary field of study in order to be stable.

For liberal art majors, I always recommend doing a major in science. I know that science is difficult for many, but get as close to a science as much as possible, or a least a field of study that is widely in demand and offers security.

Example

Note: I don’t suggest you do what I do, it may not work, but for me, it’s beyond successful.

I originally did multiple majors because I wanted to maximize my chances of transferring to Stanford. However, I eventually learned that having multiple degrees was beyond beneficial since it meant that I could jump from one field to another easily.

- At Stanford, I was highly valued for my experience in computer science and psychology/sociology/social sciences. I was the only research assistant in the labs that had a combination of both backgrounds, and the other professors were jealous of my mentor because I was able to do beyond what the normal research assistant could do. Not only that, I also ended up working with Nissan, who was collaborating with the lab, writing programs for the lab’s first driving simulator for studying hypnosis.

- How I aced the interview for my current job was I was able to apply unrelated concepts into a marketing concept – I was able to draw my knowledge from bioinformatics, where I used a genetics algorithm as a hypothetical solution to their lead scoring methods.

- In my current chemistry class, I was able to use my linear algebra to come up with an algorithm to quickly solve problems found in Hess’ Law. No one has ever done it before, but it’s proving successful on every Hess problem I use it on. My professor thinks it’s really neat, although he doesn’t know how to assign points for work if it’s ever wrong since he doesn’t completely understand how I do it yet.

Be Aware a Bachelor’s Degree May Not Be the End

For certain majors, you will need at least a masters degree to do something significant. One that usually comes to mind is psychology, where if you want to do things like case studies in therapy, you will need either a masters or a Ph.D.

Be Aware Of the Salary For the Degree

Some fields of study are more valued than others. Computer engineering will average around $70-80k starting, while biological sciences may average $30-50k base (my estimates are Bay Area estimates). Think about where you will be living, the cost of living, your future debts, etc, and think if your major can ensure some semblance of security. If you’ve diversified, you can be worth significantly more since you may have the ability to solve problems in unique ways due to your knowledge in different fields.

Masters and Ph.D degrees do not differ too much in terms of salary. My experience with Ph.Ds is that having one seems to be a risk as the company thinks that they have to pay you a very high salary due to the degree you have, and as a result won’t hire you. If you want to teach at a university level, or do work in research as opposed to industry for example, you’re going to need a masters or Ph.D.

Know the Players

There are major players in every field, who I’ll term gatekeepers. They hold a lot of the keys to your entryway into a job. Steal some of these keys by knowing what they (they being a company, a person, etc) do so that you can open doors on your own.

Like Apple products and want to work for Apple? Then, understand the Apple product lineup, who are the players in the space, shortcomings the company may be facing, who or what their competition is, etc.

Know the space inside and out. Show that you know what’s going on in this area; know key people, what they do, how they’re advancing the field, etc. Find people in the area that inspire and motivate you.

Interviewers will be impressed that you have an understanding of the movers and shakers, and that you not only carry your talents, but you essentially have a general idea of how the industry works.

Sides, if you don’t know who the gatekeepers are, then how are you going to be able to let yourself in?

Conclusion

I can share several stories of success and failure, and I’m sure I’ve only gave half of what I’ve intended to say. Be passionate, demonstrate that you care about what you learn, show that you can apply what you’ve learned, and most of all, have a backup plan when things go wrong. Don’t be in the situation where you regret what you’ve studied, and end up going back to school or grad school to have the proper means to get the job you want.

If there are any questions I haven’t answered, or things I eventually think of, I will write a part II to this article.

Having Courage in Failure

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If everyone raised their hand

It was a normal day in chemistry class, where we discussed Lewis Structures, which was a way to diagram how atoms might link together. We spent a good deal of time learning about the rules of how to create these diagrams, and got up to the point where we were learning triple bonds. Looking at the examples of triple bonds, they were a bit more difficult than the double and single bonds.

It was now time to practice triple bonds, and our professor drew up some example problems on the board. As with all problems written on the board, there is a request for someone(s) to come up and provide the solution. And, with such requests, there is always that momentary air of silence, before someone stands up to go up and solve it.

However, today was a bit different. The professor wanted us to provide the wrong answer to the problems. Once he mentioned that, the silent veil was lifted, and students were more willing to go up and attempt the solution (or rather, produce the incorrect solution).

It was at that moment I realized how difficult it is to have the courage to be wrong. As soon as the professor stated that he encouraged incorrect answers, the stigma of failure was immediately subdued. Not only that, I think more students learned from that particular experience because they went up there, produced their incorrect solution, and also obtained feedback on why it was incorrect.

I admit that I’m a partial offender – I love going up there to attempt solutions, but I sometimes have to defend my work with, “I’m unsure if it’s correct”, as if to diffuse any tension in the event that I may be wrong. In every classroom scenario though, no one ever cares if you’re wrong (or even if you’re correct in certain cases) in the end, as long as the solution can be provided.

Everyone wants to be right, to be perfect, and to be accepted by their peers. It’s easy to say that you’re correct, but it’s much more difficult to say that you’re wrong, because it means that there is fault within the self. I admire those who can admit failure, because it means that there exists a capacity for self-reflection, a mechanism for correction, and the courage to acknowledge that to err is human.

I’m also finding that the ability to handle failure may be directly related to risk taking and developing intuition. There are many scenarios I’ve encountered where there may be a foreign object or interface that me or nobody around me has encountered before. What I notice 99% of the time is people are afraid to try anything out given such an unknown.

It could be fear of failure, or lack of curiosity, or a combination of both, but my answer to these kinds of situations is just try something; push that red button, see what it does. If something breaks, then understand why it broke, and attempt to reverse the action.

I wonder what would happen if in classes, professors encouraged you to work on a problem on the board, and change one part of your solution so that it became an incorrect one, so that hopefully someone can find fault within, and teach everyone how to correct it.

That way, it won’t be just you and me that can be one step towards perfection, but everyone around us as well who were afraid to admit they made the same mistakes.

Hi, I create problems.

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For the past month, on and off, I’ve been thinking about problem-solving – there’s too much of it. Everyone’s a problem solver, but since when did you hear someone openly say that they create problems? I think the relationship between a problem and solution is cyclical – a problem is a consequence of a solution, and a solution is a consequence of a problem. The relationship is symbiotic, they cannot exist without each other.

When did problems become… a problem? How did the word carry such a negative connotation? I’ve thought of problem-making as a form of opportunity – because the problem exists or is created, there will more-than-likely be someone devoted to finding the solution. Without the problem, the need for a solution wouldn’t exist.

The entire thought about problems came to me one day when I was thinking about outrageous ideas for a novel (which I would never write due to my lack of ability to properly describe scenarios). I thought about having a villain as the main character. Following that, I thought about the cruelest and evilest villain possible, and came up with a person who had the ability to solve any kind of problem without regard to the possible consequences of the solution.

At first, the reader would have the impression that this was a wonderful gift to have – solving any kind of problem, and that the main character is this righteous person who wants to help the world. However, as the main character begins to solve every kind of problem, s/he fails to realize the consequences of the act – people begin to lose meaning within their lives because the problems they lived and existed to solve, were no longer available.

What happens is the world sees an increase in suicide rates. I know someone will call plot hole because those people can find other problems to work with. No. The main character is out to solve EVERYTHING, and is able to do it with extreme ease. The world populace deems the main character as a threat to humanity, and the story ends with his him solving this problem with his own death. I never decided what happened to the world after that, but I’d imagine anarchy as if the idea is to promote problem generation as a ‘solution’, then the world would have to turn onto itself for people to strive to find solutions.

But that brings me to the question, why would a problem have to be chaotic, negative, so consequential?

That’s why I’m inclined to say that I’m a problem creator. There’s too many problem solvers out there already. I want to be the one that creates problems so opportunity lends itself to another’s future.

Or, I could be wrong completely. I recall situations where I have to solve a problem, and after solving that problem, there is no additional problems generated from the resolution. Maybe its kind of like division and multiplication:

Problem x Solution = Problem_New

Solution / Problem = undefined (in certain cases)

Connecting the Dots

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There were notably three portions to Steve Jobs’ commencement speech at Stanford: connecting the dots, love and loss, and the notion of death.

For many years, many associates and family members have questioned my goal of completing five majors in community college. Their arguments were that it would take forever to accomplish, and that I was wasting time by staying in school for so long. To be honest, at the time, I didn’t see how my majors would mix together, but I knew I loved learning from those subjects.

When I found myself as a software engineer at NASA, my boss noticed I had a wide away of interests and focuses, and she was instrumental in connecting my own dots together. Although my primary job at NASA was to develop web applications, I soon found myself using my psychology, sociology, and social sciences knowledge running a lab part-time where we studied 3D cockpit displays for 747 airplanes.

The concept of human factors or human computer interaction (which tied parts of my CS and psychology knowledge together) came later when my boss urged me to attend a seminar presented by cognitive scientist Don Norman, who talked about product design, and emotions – the very core of what I was interested in, but never fully realized it until then.

The dots were beginning to connect, but all of them came together to draw a picture when I reached Stanford, working in the psychiatry labs doing emotions research. I found my CS knowledge was extremely handy in designing programs to analyze and collect data, and that my psychology and sociology knowledge bridged me to researchers and the data they collected.

Even though NASA was paying me more at the time, I found myself really enjoying what I did at Stanford, and left NASA to continue on emotions research. I’ve been there for two years, and have recently left as an employee. However, I truly enjoyed what I’ve been doing there, that I’m a continuing volunteer. I love learning about emotions, and its relation to life itself.

I’ve never pictured myself living beyond thirty, but that’s probably because I’m too young right now. But, I always feel that my time is limited, that I need to change people, and the world NOW, as opposed to later. It’s why I’ve taken on many opportunities that have come to me, even in the times where it feels seemingly impossible to accomplish.

No one regrets my decisions anymore, and I don’t regret the awkward path I’ve taken in my life with respect to college. It’s true that I’ll probably graduate when I’m twenty-six or even twenty-seven, but my life feels fulfilling in many ways, and many people are genuinely interested in having me incorporated into their futures.

I’m frequently asked nowadays, “What do you plan to do in the future?”, and the honest answer is, “I don’t know.”

Those kinds of answers are often scary, but when I say this response, I say it with utmost confidence. I’m not afraid of not knowing my future, because I know even greater things lie in it; I can accomplish anything because I am up to discovering, and conditioning my mind for that future.

I know I’ll live beyond thirty, but I want to keep this mindset, because I want to live as if everyday was my last.

Acceptance

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Okay, here’s another from good ol’ Yalom. Because Yalom is so awesome, I have created this very short, yet sweet song:

—————–

I love Yalom,
And Yalom loves me,
He gets me in-to
PSY-CHO-LO-GY

—————–

With that said, here’s a nice passage on acceptance:

“Group members’ acceptance of one another, though crucial in the group therapeutic process, may be quite slow to develop. Acceptance by others and self-acceptance are mutually dependent; not only is self-acceptance basically dependent on acceptance of others, but acceptance of others is fully possible only after the individual can accept himself. The members of a therapy group may experience considerable self-contempt and a deep contempt for others.

A manifestation of this may be seen in the patient’s initial refusal to join ‘a group of nuts’ or his reluctance to become closely involved in the group for fear of being sucked into a maelstrom of misery.

The importance of self acceptance for the acceptance of others has been demonstrated in research by Rubin, who studied fifty individuals before and after an intensive live-in two-week T-group laboratory and found that an increase in self-acceptance was significantly correlated with increased acceptance of others. These results are consonant with Fromm’s statement many years ago that only after one is able to love himself is he able to love others. I would add, however, that only after he has once been loved will he be able to love himself.” – p.55-56

Realistic Microcosm of Therapy Groups

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“Strangers,” the Blue Man said, “are just family you have yet to come to know.” – The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom

I thought about this quote, as I finished reading this passage from The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy by Irvin Yalom (2nd Edition).

These final two paragraphs (separated into further paragraphs for easier reading) are about how patients question the reality of group therapy – they claim that their behavior in the group is not like their actual life outside the group, so their activities in the group is not an accurate representation of who they are.

However, in the therapist testimonial below, you’ll see how two people who loathe each other in life, come together and share their existence with each other.

I think what I liked about this passage was the commentary at the end that basically says that despite the limited time one spends in these groups, the psychological development that they experience transcends beyond the physical dimensions of time. Strangers infuse and share amongst each other, forming the closest of bonds.
———–

… I often think of Earl and Marguerite, two patients in a group long ago. Earl had been a member of a group for four months when Marguerite was introduced. They both blushed to see one another in the group room since, by chance, they had only a month previously gone on a Sierra Club camping trip and been “intimate” together. Neither wanted to be in the group with the other.

To Earl, Marguerite was a foolish, empty girl, a “mindless piece of ass,” as he was to put it later in the group. To Marguerite, Earl was a dull nonentity, someone whose penis she had one used as a means of retaliation against her husband. During that time they came to know one another intimately in the full sense of the word; they shared their deepest feelings, they weathered some fierce, vicious battles, and helped each other through suicidal depressions, and, on more than one occasion, they wept for each other. Which was the “real” world and which was the artificial?

Paradoxically, the group can be far more “real” than the world out there. There are no social, prestige, or sexual games in the group; members go through some vital life experiences together; the reality-distorting facades are doffed as members become as honest as possible with one another. How many times have I heard group members say, “This is the first time I have ever told this to anyone.” These are not strangers but quite the contrary; these are individuals far more likely to know one another deeply and fully. Psychological reality is not equivalent to physical reality. Psychologically, they spend infinitely more time together than the one or two meetings a week in which their physical beings occupy the same professionally sponsored room. – p.38-39

Hell vs Heaven

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All quotes are from the psychotherapy book, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy, Second Edition by Irvin D. Yalom. Note that there is a 5th edition to my knowledge, but this copy was given to me by my boss.

Altruism

There is an old Hasidic story of the Rabbi who had a conversation with the Lord about Heaven and Hell. “I will show you Hell,” said the Lord and led the Rabbi into a room in the middle of which was a very big, round table. The people sitting at it were famished and desperate. In the middle of the table there was a large pot of stew, enough and more for everyone. The smell of the stew was delicious and made the Rabbi’s mouth water. The people round the table were holding spoons with very long handles. Each one found that it was just possible to reach the pot to take a spoonful of the stew, but because the handle of his spoon was longer than a man’s arm, he could not get the food back into his mouth. The Rabbi saw that their suffering was terrible.

“Now I will show you Heaven,” said the Lord, and they went into another room, exactly the same as the first. There was the same big, round table and the same pot of stew. The people, as before, were equipped with the same long-handled spoons – but here they were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. At first the Rabbi could not understand. “It is simple, but it requires a certain skill,” said the Lord. “You see, they have learned to feed each other.” – p. 12-13
————–

Warden Duffy is reputed to have claimed that the best way to help a man is to let him help you. People need to feel they are needed.

…

This source of help is not appreciated at first. Quite the contrary. Many patients resist the suggestion of group therapy with the question, “How can the blind lead the blind?” Or they ask, “What can I possibly get from others as confused as I?” We’ll end up pulling one another down.” Exploration of this sentiment usually reveals that the patient is really saying, “What do I have to offer anyone?” Such resistance to entering the group is best worked through from the direction of the patient’s critical self-evaluation. – p. 13-14

The Five People You Meet in Heaven Quotes

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malbomsfivepeopl_large.jpgI just picked up Mitch Albom’s other work, The Five People You Meet In Heaven today, and managed to read the entire thing in one day. I can’t say it was as great as Tuesdays With Morrie, but it had its moments. I’m trying to do lots of reading to prime myself to do lots of journal article reading for the rest of the summer XD.

Pride in Loss of Dignity

(A man named the “Blue Man” is talking to the main character, Eddie about his life; he became the Blue Man because of a silver nitrate overdose, which caused his skin to turn blue, and soon became a circus attraction after being shunned away in general society.)

“The carnivals gave me my names, Edward. Sometimes I was the Blue Man of the North Pole, or the Blue Man of Algeria… I had never been to any of these places, of course, but it was pleasant to be considered exotic, if only on a painted sign. The ‘show’ was simple. I would sit on the stage, half undressed, as people walked past and the barker told them how pathetic I was. For this, I was able to put a few coins in my pocket. The manager once called me the ‘best freak’ in his stable, and, sad as it sounds, I took pride in that. When you are an outcast, even a tossed stone can be cherished.” – p. 42

Convergence ~ Strangers/Death

“That there are no random acts. that we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind.”

Eddie shook his head. “We were throwing a ball. It was my stupidity, running out there like that. Why should you have to die on account of me? It ain’t fair.”

The Blue Man held out his hand. “Fairness,” he said, “does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young.”

…

“My funeral,” the Blue Man said. “Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came. Why? Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should?

It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn’t just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed.

You say you should have died instead of me. But during my time on earth, people died instead of me, too. It happens every day. When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplane crashes that you might have been on… We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows, Birth and death are part of a whole.”

…

“I still don’t understand,” Eddie whispered. “What good came from your death?”

“You lived,” the Blue Man answered.

“But we barely knew each other. I might as well have been a stranger.”

…

“Strangers,” the Blue Man said, “are just family you have yet to come to know.”

…

“No life is a waste,” the Blue Man said. “The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.” – p. 47-50

Sacrifice

“Sacrifice,” The Captain said. “You made one. I made one. We all make them. But you were angry over yours. You kept thinking about what you lost.

You didn’t get it. Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret. It’s something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. A mother works so her son can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father.”

…

“That’s the thing. Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else.” – p. 93-94

(Note: There was this scene on page 95 on the fallacy of holding the same perspective from the past to the present, but it’s difficult to transcribe without giving appropriate context first…)

Childhood

‘All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.’ – p. 104

Those Make You Who You Are

‘Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them – a mother’s approval, a father’s nod – are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.’ – p. 126

Loyalty

(They are talking about Eddie’s father and his death. Mickey is Eddie’s father’s best friend, who in a drunken stupor, tried to make a move on the father’s wife; Mickey and the father were fighting and got too deep into the ocean; the father in the end, saved Mickey because he still valued their friendship, and paid for it with his life.)

“Fifty-six,” the old woman repeated. “His body had weakened, the ocean had left him vulnerable, pneumonia took hold of him, and in time, he died.”

“Because of Mickey?” Eddie said.

“Because of loyalty,” she said.

“People don’t die because of loyalty.”

“They don’t?” She smiled. “Religion? Government? Are we not loyal to such things, sometimes to the death?”

Eddie shrugged.

“Better,” she said, “to be loyal to one another.” – p. 138

Holding Bitterness

Ruby stepped toward him. “Edward,” she said softly. It was the first time she had called him by name. “Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.

Forgive, Edward. Forgive. Do you remember the lightness you felt when you first arrived in heaven?”

Eddie did. Where is my pain?

“That’s because no one is born with anger. And when we die, the soul is freed of it. But now, here, in order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did, and why you no longer need to feel it.”

She touched his hand.

“You need to forgive your father.” – p. 141-142

Love

‘Love like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.’ – p. 164

(Eddie’s dead wife is talking to him.)

“Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

Life has to end,” she said. “Love doesn’t.”

Eddie thought about the years after he buried his wife. It was like looking over a fence. He was aware of another kind of life out there, even as he knew he would never be a part of it.

“I never wanted anyone else,” he said quietly.

“I know,” she said.

“I was still in love with you.”

“I know.” She nodded. “I felt it.”

“Here [in heaven]?” he asked.
“Even here,” she said, smiling. “That’s how strong lost love can be.”

The Taste of Failure

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At the beginning of this year, one of my best friends wished for me to fail as a new years resolution.

How heinous I thought at the time. He felt that I’ve seen too much success that I couldn’t appreciate it as much anymore; I was taking success for granted.

I shrugged off his wish; me becoming an absolute failure? That’s impossible with my track record!

Or so I thought.

My new year was the absolute worse so far. I was not completely adjusted to school life at my new university, and the engineering classes I was taking put a huge toll on me. Despite this fact, opportunities kept coming to me like mosquitoes attracted to light; I found myself taking those opportunities in addition to my current job.

It was probably one of the biggest mistakes I would ever make. One of the opportunities was another job where I would build a website for a client; however, my client lacked a sense of focus, and we would constantly be derailed doing different projects. I ended up spending way more time than I should have on this job, and I had deep emotional disgruntlement towards my client to the point that I could not talk to her on the phone without feeling bitter.

At the same time, my grades suffered on a significant margin. The current grades I had, would send me into academic probation (GPA > 2.0 for the term); going below a 3.0 is really unheard of for me, and of course I would panic. However, it was not because I would be shackled to some kind of probation, but rather, my financial aid would be on the line; I’ve been paying for my own education for years, and aid is imperative to my continued education.

There was only one option: fail one of my classes and use that time to do better in the others. It was extremely risky – there was no guarantee that I would have above a 2.0.

So, one day, I decided to stop attending one of my classes. For the first time ever, I skipped the homework, the quizzes, the midterm… it took a lot of self-courage to acknowledge that I would be failing, and actually put myself through the process of it.

I understand that some people fail because out of reasons like laziness; there is no guilt usually associated with things like that. It took me a very long time to say, “Okay, I’ve done the best I’ve could. I have to make sacrifices and re-prioritize somewhere, and realize that I can’t take all the opportunities I want to without letting go of something else.”

I spent a lot of my time re-prioritizing; I dropped the opportunities I was doing on the side in addition to work and school, and I spent a lot of time studying to ensure that my plan – if I passed all my classes with just a C average and another class with an A, I would be just above a 2.0.

It was painful, but I did manage a 2.1 in the end. Yes, it was a first for me, and after I looked at that number, I came to some realizations: grades aren’t everything in life* and understand what your priorities really are.

Did I learn? Yes. Was I able to take away something with me from the classes I studied hard for? Of course.

Because of all the turmoil this term, I’ve decided to quit my lab job in August to just spend my time in school full time. I haven’t been to school and not worked in years. My plan is to graduate faster as I’ll have complete time to focus on my studies. Then, I would be able to take any opportunity that came without fear of time commitment or grades.

In the end, I felt I failed wonderfully.

* It does matter in some cases, like high-end job positions, or even graduate school at times.

Note: I was beyond the drop date for classes, and doing a withdrawl is impossible here if you do not have “serious and compelling reasons”. My only option was failure.

Tuesdays With Morrie Quotes

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I’ve always loved this book, and I find myself re-reading it over and over again. I thought I’d share some awesome quotes that I hold to my heart:

———–

Believe what you don’t see

“you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too – even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling.” – p.61

Reversing Regret

“What if today were my last day on earth? … the culture doesn’t encourage you to think about such things until you’re about to die. We’re so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks – we’re involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don’t get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing? … You need someone to probe you in that direction. It just won’t happen automatically.”

‘I knew what he was saying. We all need teachers in our lives.’ – p.65

Preparing for Death

“But there’s a better approach. To know you’re going to die, and to be *prepared* for it at any time That’s better. That way you can actually be *more* involved in our life while you’re living.”

How can you ever be prepared to die?

“Do what the Buddhists do. Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, ‘Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?’”

…

“once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.” – p.81

Detachment

“What I’m doing now is detaching myself from the experience.”

Detaching yourself?

“Yes. Detaching yourself. And this is important – not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach.”

…

But wait, I said. Aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

“Yes.”

Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?”

“… detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience *penetrate* you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you *fully*. That’s how you are able to leave it.

…

Take any emotion – love for a woman, or grief for a loved one…. if you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. … I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”

…

“Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely – but eventually be able to say, ‘All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I’m not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.” – p.104

Existence

[Morrie worked at a mental hospital, describing his experience with a patient]

One of the patients, a middle-aged woman, came out of her room every day and lay facedown on the tile floor, stayed there for hours, as doctors and nurses stepped around her. Morrie watched in horror. He took notes, which is what he was there to do. Every day, she did the same thing [on the floor, ignoring everyone]. [Morrie] began to sit on the floor with her, even lay down alongside her, trying to draw her out of her misery. Eventually, he got her to sit up and even return to her room. What she mostly wanted, he learned, was the same thing many people want – someone to notice she was there.

…

Morrie observed that most of the patients there had been rejected and ignored in their lives, made to feel that they didn’t exist. They also missed compassion – something the staff ran out of quickly. And many of these patients were well-off… their wealth did not buy them happiness or contentment. – p.110

Meaning of age

Yes, I said, but if aging were so valuable, why do people alwas say, “Oh, if I were young again.” You never hear people say, “I wish I were sixty-five.”

He smiled. “You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven’t found meaning. because if you’ve found meaning in your life, you don’t want to go back. You want to go forward. You want to see more, do more. You can’t wait until sixty-five…” – p.119

Forgiveness

‘… We also need to forgive ourselves.”

Ourselves?

“Yes. For all the things we didn’t do. All the things we should have done. You can’t get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened. That doesn’t help you when you get to where I am.

I always wished I had done more with my work; I wished I had written more books. I used to beat myself up over it. Now I see that never did any good. Make peace. You need to make peace with yourself and everyone around you.” – p.167